Part 4: Anxiety

My first anxiety attack was the day my son was born. After I had a natural childbirth, the nurse offered to have the physical therapist come in and give me a massage to relax. I thought, AWESOME! This might be the only pampering I get for a while with a newborn. She did a great job, but after she started rubbing the oil or lotion into my skin and I started to relax, I started to feel sick. I started to feel more tense, and I tried to relax and take a nap after she left. I felt trapped in my body, I felt like I was screaming inside and no one could hear me.

It was a very strange feeling, but I feel that every time I am about to have an anxiety attack. My state of "relax" had been a state of panic for 10 years. I kept busy, because the busier I was, the less time I had for an anxiety attack.

My anxiety manifests in: an irritable mood, inability to make decisions or do simple tasks, a physical uncontrollable shaking, in my aversions to eating, to going out, doing new things, and being around certain people. I am blessed with my kiddos who recognize and know how to help me as much as they can when I am having an attack. The best thing for me to to sip water, and lay in bed with weight and heat, mainly being my dogs and/or kiddos laying as close to me as possible until I can fall asleep. The next day is recovery, as I am exhausted.

I had not had an extreme attack in months. The most recent attack I had was July 27, 2022. Adam had his knee surgery, I had my first ever hair treatment and style with my new sponsor, I ate in between appointments, I met with my Mary Kay lady, and then went home to take care of my husband,... OH and take and pick up the kids from VBS. It was a great day! Surgery went amazing, it was Christmas in July, but it was just TOO MUCH of everything in one day. I had my attack right before I had to go pick up the kids. The youth pastors wife stopped me to ask how surgery went and I said, "Great! Adam is great, it was a great day, but I am not ok, I am really struggling with my anxiety of just too much today." She prayed with me, I gathered myself and she went and got the kids for me. My recovery was not as bad and I was able to survive the situation.

I have found that certain foods, and when I eat feed my anxiety. I have also learned that when I wear or touch polyester, I not only smell funny, but that causes me to have anxiety. I have also learned that the people I am around, or know that I will be around have a direct link to my anxieties, be it past experiences with that person etc. I am careful about these things now and it helps.

My husband reminds me that I am excited, and it is ok to be excited. the body doesn't know the difference most of the time. I struggle with this and with prayer and forcing myself to relax and cross stitch or read helps me re-learn that relaxing is healing.