Part 5: Food

About 2016 I went to a clinic to see if they could help me with my intestinal discomfort. The Dr. did all the bloodwork and said it all looked great! Then he said, "Have you tried going gluten free?" I had not, I thought it was hokey. He explained that the processed gluten crap we have here in the USA is so processed and enriched that it doesn't resemble what breads should be. His wife could eat breads in Europe just fine, but had the same pain as I did in the states.

So I tried it, and it helped immensely!! I was trying all the mostly plant based diets to see if they helped also. They did not. In fact, they made everything worse. It is SO discouraging that you try everything to feel better, to have energy, to not be in pain... and nothing helps.

Then you have those in your life who try to help, all good intentions, who make you feel worse, like you are not doing enough. Who do not understand the pain, the discomfort, the fatigue... but Michelle, you look healthy, you look fine... does not help the other struggles of depression and anxiety.

No matter the medications, supplements, whole foods, exercises... I just got worse.

It doesn't help that I am adverse to vomit, like to my core. I get nauseous if I hear, see, smell, vomit.. writing this part is hard for me, I just can't. Being a mom has helped me overcome this, but it still causes anxiety. I got sick one night while my husband was at a bowling tournament. I called him because I was just too sick to be ok with taking care of our toddlers at the time. He did not know the impact of him calling one of his friends to come help watch the kids would have on me. I was so emotionally wrecked because I was not able to take care of my kids, at all at that point.

Since that point in time, I had been afraid to eat past 5pm. I could not eat the entire day of a social event, let alone AT a social event. Even holiday dinners with family. Not even on my wedding day... I could drink some water, and I choked down the little bit of my beautiful cake... because I 'had' to for tradition. My thoughts being, "I can't throw up if there is nothing to throw up... I can't get too sick to take care of my kids if my stomach is empty. "

I was 97 pounds. My loving husband said I could eat anything I wanted, and however much I wanted to help me gain some weight, to be healthy again. I felt comfort in gluten free breads, donuts, cakes, etc.. but they didn't help other than make me more tired and depressed. I can appreciate those who talk about food issues, and how hard it is to talk about. There is a feeling of shame as I type this. It is hard. Family tried to force me to eat, didn't help, made me feel shameful. They did it out of love, and I don't blame them. They were trying to help me.

I still struggle with when I eat, but I am eating better and more people understand what I am going through now, so I have better support. I can eat the day of events and nibble a little at them as long as I try not to think about it.